I would like to speak about
vulnerability in an upcoming post, but I felt it necessary to first
be vulnerable with you and let you know you're not alone in your
journey through your shadow, and that creating a better life for
yourself requires tough emotional work that all 'wayshowers' also
face. It's because we've chosen to face the darkness inside ourselves
and move through our shadows that we can show you the way. It's not
because we were brought to this earth without darkness and only know
how to navigate the light. We know our way through the dark and show
you how to find your way through yours.
Just because I've decided to pay the
knowledge I've acquired forward to help others does not make me
immune to pain from now on. I'm a human, just like everyone else, and
while I have worked damn hard to rise above much of my earlier
suffering and bust through many barriers of my mind that kept me
trapped, I do still get tripped up in life on occasion.
Currently, I'm stuck in another round
of acceptance, release, and surrender. I've learnt these lessons
before and I understand them so well, but my mind is holding onto an
object of my desire so tightly that I am feeling like I'm not able to
move forward in my life. My belief is that “I just know it's going
to happen. Why else would I have gone through everything I have?”
If I look back to times where I have
held the same belief before, my knowing has proved itself accurate.
I've learnt to trust it. So how to you release, accept, let go and
surrender something you know is going to happen?
Objectively I understand I'm in a
process and that I'll get there, but in the moment, it feels dark,
lonely, and scary for me too.
I thought I'd levelled up and let go,
but recently I caught its scent again, and now I feel like I'm back
at square one: suffering because it's not in front of me, despite all
the work I've done on myself to align with it. Despite following
every rule in my book of creation, there is a part of me that is
really battling to accept the absence of what I want in my current
reality, and surrender to the process of it getting there when it's
good and ready.
I am so deeply sad about it. Looking at
myself, I feel frustrated because I don't know how else to let go.
I've done everything I can. My only sense is that this is a time for
me to let go of the pain associated with not having it by allowing
myself to feel and acknowledge that I am disappointed. Once I have
felt and acknowledged the pain, it will leave and healing will have
happened.
From what I can fathom, my current
process is one of healing, and what I want can't be around for that.
That's something I need to do on my own. That's something we all need
to be brave enough to do on our own. What I want will arrive once the
pain is all gone and I can smile and be okay without it and not care
about it anymore, and not be bothered by it anymore. When I can be
happy for it and its success without me. When I can look at it and
not feel like I'm in a nightmare because that was meant to be me hand
in hand with its success. Only then will I be ready to receive it.
Until then, I need to find my way to
surrender with what life wants me to be doing now, but I'm so sure
not accepting and surrendering to my current process is what is
keeping me from advancing and being ready to be ready. By not
accepting the timing aspect of what I am wanting to manifest, I feel
I am becoming my own block, and in turn I am being hard on myself. I
should know better. And then I'm hard on myself for being hard on
myself because I'm just a human and don't know anything in the grand
scheme of things. I should be more gentle with myself I tell myself.
There is also an aspect of self doubt
in between moments of clarity and understanding of the process.
Moments where I think I'm absolutely crazy and that my feeling and
knowing that it's destined and what I was made for, are just products
of my imagination and that I'm lying to myself. Am I in resistance or
am I on the right track, right on time? Am I rejecting myself and all
logic?
All this back and forth between clarity
and confusion is clearly creating an energetic friction and keeping
me stuck. If I could just surrender and go with the flow, instead of
trying to control how it comes in, then I really wouldn't care if it
happens or not... at least I would be out of this conflict inside
myself and have found some peace. At this point, I feel that's all I
want. To be free of my pain and at peace inside myself.
Sometimes I have moments where I feel
life has been cruel, and that there has to be a reason for me to have
experienced the things I have and the pain I've felt. There has to be
a reason for it all. Wasn't I perfectly alright before it came and
slapped me upside my head for me to catch a wake up? I remember being
miserable during my 'dark night of the soul', but why did I have to
go through all that just to reach deeper levels of misery than
before? Is there ever an end to this backdrop of pain I need to
confront?
And then there are moments where I feel
I know exactly where I am, that I'm right on track, and that
everything is unfolding exactly as it's supposed to, and that I am
completely happy in my life that I'm creating for myself. Even if the
thing I want more than I've wanted anything is not here. I am still
thankful for the lessons I learnt while on my journey to myself using
the thing as a mirror for self mastery. That's all everything ever
is. An opportunity for us to meet ourselves in a new way and decide
who we are going to be in response to it. From there, we get to make
adjustments and implement change. I know exactly what's going on and
how to make the shifts. I love myself and who I've become and am so
thankful for surpassing my challenges in a way that I grew from.
On any given day, we can just do our best. Some days, confused is going to be our best. It's healthy to question and inquire within. Other days are going to be crystal clear and we're going to feel steady, stable, and strong. Both kinds of days are ok. Just do your best to be gentle with yourself because you're just a human.
Click here to schedule a session with me online to explore your personal evolution or get personal guidance.
I can assist you in learning to:
*Raise your vibration, expand your consciousness, or manifest your desires.
*Transform and become a conscious creator and choice maker.
*Shift through your self-limiting beliefs and step into a fuller, more vibrant version of yourself, and live your happiest, healthiest, wealthiest, best life.
I can assist you in learning to:
*Raise your vibration, expand your consciousness, or manifest your desires.
*Transform and become a conscious creator and choice maker.
*Shift through your self-limiting beliefs and step into a fuller, more vibrant version of yourself, and live your happiest, healthiest, wealthiest, best life.
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